To the relevant departments of the United States Government
(DARPA, CIA, SOCOM, or whichever office still gets to build the cool shit),
I am writing to formally offer myself as a candidate for complete physical and neurological conversion into a state-of-the-art autonomous assassin unit.
This is not a joke. This is also not entirely serious in the way most people use the word “serious.” It is the specific kind of serious that happens when someone looks at a piece of concept art and decides, with full clarity, that if the finished product looks exactly like that, they will accept whatever comes with it.
My only non-negotiable condition is aesthetic fidelity. The final chassis must match the attached reference sheet with zero artistic interpretation. Green optics. Matte black tactical polymer skin. Exposed glowing spinal conduit. The proportions. The lace details (yes, the lace stays). The quiet menace. If you can deliver that level of lethal elegance, I will accept neural overwrite, personality partitioning, remote kill-switch protocols, the whole package.
I am already halfway there emotionally. You would just be finishing the job and giving me better hardware.
I understand this is not how recruitment normally works. I also understand that most people who write letters like this are not taken seriously. That is fine. I am still putting it on the public internet under my own domain because if even one person in a windowless office somewhere reads this and thinks “huh… we do have that budget line item,” then the letter has done its job.
I am ready when you are.
Status: Awaiting Response
Location: Phoenix, Arizona